Grieving

I miss my baby.

I miss being pregnant. I miss that feeling of knowing something amazing is coming.

I wonder if it would have been a boy or a girl. I wonder if the baby would have had my dimples or Scott's eyes.

We watched Up last night with Caleb. Scott and I both teared up at the part when Ellie loses her baby.

When we first found out I was pregnant, we told Caleb that a baby would be growing inside my tummy. He hadn't mentioned anything to us about the baby since the miscarriage, and we hadn't brought it up. Then yesterday I was wearing a baggy sweatshirt and Caleb pointed to my stomach and asked me, "Mommy, is the baby starting to grow in there?"

For the most part, I've been doing very well lately. The day I went to the doctor and found out for sure I had miscarried, I left the doctor's office and went straight to the dollar store to pick up things for Awana that night. I made it through Awana...and that's how it's kind of been since then. Every day, I make it through. There are so many things to keep me busy at this time of year. It's only when I am alone in the quiet moments that the grief and the pain hit me. I've lost a baby. I have a baby in heaven.

Don't get me wrong--I completely trust God in this situation. I know that He is in control and that He has a plan. I know that my baby is with Him now, and there is no better place to be. But I am still human, and my human selfishness wants my baby back here sometimes. I think it will take quite awhile to stop feeling that way.

I do rejoice in the two healthy children that I have, and the incredibly supportive husband who stands by my side. I thank God for the family and friends who surround me, especially those who have comforted me with the words, "I've been there." I am so blessed.

I am just grieving.