Monday, December 14, 2009

And now...Preschool Musical!

The last couple of posts here have been pretty depressing, so here is the ultimate pick-me-up: pics and videos of Caleb's preschool Christmas musical! It was so incredibly precious. I cried happy tears through the whole thing!

The kids all had little "costumes"--and Caleb got to be a donkey. Ha! Here he is "sleeping" in the back row next to the angel.

Here is his class lined up for a photo op after the performance. Caleb is in the bottom row, second from the left.

I got 3 short video clips on my camera. Let's see if they work! This one is a segment of their song "Starry Night." I PROMISE these videos will make you smile, especially if you know Caleb!

"And when the angel came to Mary, he said..."

In case you didn't catch that, they were singing, "Fear not! Fear not! Don't be scared!" Caleb is the extremely fidgety one in the back. :)

At the end the kids sang "Go Tell it on the Mountain" in English and Spanish. Here you can see a bit of that. The kids just kind of mumbled through "Ve y grita a las montanas..."

Scott, Isaac and I sat proudly in the audience. Isaac needed a little entertaining while we were waiting for the show to start, and I put my hat on him. Is this not an adorable picture?

I love my boys.

Sunday, December 13, 2009


I miss my baby.

I miss being pregnant. I miss that feeling of knowing something amazing is coming.

I wonder if it would have been a boy or a girl. I wonder if the baby would have had my dimples or Scott's eyes.

We watched Up last night with Caleb. Scott and I both teared up at the part when Ellie loses her baby.

When we first found out I was pregnant, we told Caleb that a baby would be growing inside my tummy. He hadn't mentioned anything to us about the baby since the miscarriage, and we hadn't brought it up. Then yesterday I was wearing a baggy sweatshirt and Caleb pointed to my stomach and asked me, "Mommy, is the baby starting to grow in there?"

For the most part, I've been doing very well lately. The day I went to the doctor and found out for sure I had miscarried, I left the doctor's office and went straight to the dollar store to pick up things for Awana that night. I made it through Awana...and that's how it's kind of been since then. Every day, I make it through. There are so many things to keep me busy at this time of year. It's only when I am alone in the quiet moments that the grief and the pain hit me. I've lost a baby. I have a baby in heaven.

Don't get me wrong--I completely trust God in this situation. I know that He is in control and that He has a plan. I know that my baby is with Him now, and there is no better place to be. But I am still human, and my human selfishness wants my baby back here sometimes. I think it will take quite awhile to stop feeling that way.

I do rejoice in the two healthy children that I have, and the incredibly supportive husband who stands by my side. I thank God for the family and friends who surround me, especially those who have comforted me with the words, "I've been there." I am so blessed.

I am just grieving.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Glory Baby

On Thanksgiving morning, I woke up and took one of these:

Yup! That's a positive pregnancy test! I was so excited--Scott and I have been wanting to add to our family and have been praying for a baby. I woke Scott up at 7:00 to show him the results. (Yes, I thrust a pee stick in his face first thing in the morning. Isn't that a wonderful way to wake up?)

We went to Thanksgiving at my parents' house and told our immediate family members. Of course they were all very happy for us.

On Monday, I made an appointment with my Ob/Gyn for mid-December.

On Tuesday, I started spotting a little. I called and talked to a nurse at my doctor's office, and she said that what I described was probably normal and to just call back if the bleeding got heavy or if I started to have pain. That night I went out to dinner with some great girlfriends of mine, and during the evening I started to bleed more. By the time I crawled into bed that night, I knew something had gone horribly wrong. I cried myself to sleep while Scott held me tight.

On Wednesday, I woke up in pain. I called the doctor's office, and they asked me to come in that afternoon. I made an appointment for 2:20--by then I was bleeding heavily. At the appointment, the doctor gently confirmed what I already knew--I had lost the baby. I was only about 5 weeks pregnant.

Although this experience is hard and painful, I trust God. I know that He has my little baby in heaven right now. I imagine there is a special place there for babies who never even got a chance to make it out of the womb.

There is a song from Watermark (now just Christy Nockels) called Glory Baby that keeps going through my head. I wanted to share some of the lyrics here with you:
Glory baby, you slipped away
As fast as we could say
You were growing
What happened dear
You disappeared on us

Heaven will hold you
Before we do
Heaven will keep you safe
Until we're home with you....

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there's a day
When we will hold you, we will hold you...

But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
Til Mom and Dad will hold you
You'll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies
It's hard to understand it 'cause we're hurting
We are hurting
But there's healing
And we know we're stronger people
Through the growing and knowing
That all things work together
For our good
And God works His purposes
Just like He said He would...

I can't imagine heaven's lullabies
And what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing
Heaven is your home
And it's all you'll ever know

My friend Vickey sent me a card yesterday that reminded me that God's hands were big enough to create the world, and they are also strong enough to heal me and gentle enough to hold me. Amen to that.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Caleb's 4th Birthday

Caleb turned four on Sunday. Happy birthday, big boy! It was just a short four years ago when he subjected me to a 24-hour back labor...Aw, sweet memories! :)

We had a family party for him on Saturday, which was lots of fun. I tried to keep it low-key (since I tend to stress out when I entertain), and I just made a bunch of appetizers for us to nibble on. After all, no one really wants a whole bunch of food 2 days after Thanksgiving!

I didn't get a great picture of our spread, but here's one:

We had lots of fresh fruit and veggies, sandwiches, hummus, crackers, cheese, trail mix, spinach and artichoke dip, and some chicken nuggets for the birthday boy. :)

To Caleb, birthdays are all about having cake. (He actually told me on Sunday that people don't grow up until they have a cake. How funny!) He wanted a Thomas the Tank Engine cake. I intended to make a 2-layer round cake with Thomas on top, but one of my cake layers stuck in the pan. So, I made another 2 cakes and turned the cake into a huge 3-layer monstrosity. I put a "track" on the top made out of chocolate Twizzlers, and then we put a new Thomas birthday engine and train car on the top. Here's how it looked:

Very easy, and not-so-Martha-Stewart in appearance, but Caleb loved it. And it was all homemade with love. :)

You know, I really learned my lesson 2 years ago when I had these elaborate plans for a 3D Tow Mater cake (from the movie Cars). I worked for so many hours on that cake, and it just fell apart the morning of the party. I fell apart, too. Scott went to Kroger at the last minute and told them what happened. He was hoping to just come home with a plain birthday cake. The lady at the bakery counter said, "Oh, he wants a Cars cake? Okay! That will take me about 10 minutes!" Scott came home with a beautifully and elaborately decorated cake, and I tried not to be bitter that it only took them 10 minutes and my slaved-over flop of a cake was in the trash!

Caleb's cousins helped him open his presents.

It was good to spend time with my wonderful family. Here's my brother, sister, and my sister's fabulous boyfriend.

My in-laws even came in from Oklahoma to celebrate with us.

They were so sweet to bring a couple of presents for Isaac so he wouldn't feel left out. And, surprise, surprise, Caleb wanted to play with those presents more than the ones that he got! (For a little while, anyway. Then he became fascinated with all of the cars and running them on the race tracks he got!)

It was such a wonderful day, and I think everyone had a good time. Next year I need to take more pictures!